Well this is her contemplating how to approach him when she sees him for the first time for 4 years.
Okay. I just have to go in there and tell him straight up. I’m not leaving the game. No. I can’t just do that. I have to set it up. I have to let him talk for a little while and make him feel comfortable. Then I can tell him. Maurice, I’m going to keep playing baseball. There. That should work.
But what if he doesn’t think I should? What if he sees me playing today and decides this isn’t how I should spend my time. What if I’m not enough of a “lady” for him? No. I can’t let this get to me. I just have to go out there and show him that this is what I was always meant to do. Maurice, I want to stay in the game. What more do I have to say? I just have to tell him that I have thought it over and believe this is the best for me.
But I haven’t thought it over. I don’t know that this really is the best for me, the best for us. I never really thought about the future.
What am I doing?! I can’t believe I thought I could just go up to him and say, I’m staying in the game. Just like that. How could I think that would be okay? He’s been away for 4 years and I am supposed to tell him I won’t be home for 8 months of the year. I just can’t do that. He’s going to be standing there. His hands tucked away in his suit pockets, waiting for me with the look. It will say so many things and one of them will definitely be “Has it really been this long since I’ve seen you?” And he’ll shake his head and look as if he wants to say, “I can’t believe this what you have been doing.” And I’ll love every minute of it.
What have I gotten myself into? What am I going to say to him when I see him for the first time in 4 years? He was in the war. I cannot believe I fooled myself into thinking this would all work out perfectly. I made myself believe that I could walk up to him and say, “I’ve missed you so much but now I have to go get on the bus and go to South Bend, we have a game tomorrow afternoon.”
But I have to make this work. I have to tell him at some point. I always knew I would want to keep playing I just never thought today would come. I never realized I would actually have to tell him. He left on such a cold day and I thought the end of his service would never come. He kept telling me he would be home and everything would be normal again. I refused to believe him. I didn’t let myself believe the last words he told me before he boarded that train. “I will be back, and I will always love you no matter what happens.” He was probably thinking about me every minute of everyday while I was thinking about a game more than I was thinking about him. I am not retiring from baseball.
How can I give up the feeling of the wood of the bat hitting the leather of the baseball? Feeling the wind blow by my face. The sting of the smack when the pitch hits my mitt. It’s how I define myself.
But I love him more than anything. Don’t I? Yes! Of course I do. Maybe I should just let my heart take me wherever it goes. Right now… at this very moment… I have a game to play. I have 9 innings to think about nothing but baseball. And then,. When I see him,. I will think about him, and where I want our futures to go.